In the December issue of The Atlantic magazine there was an important article on teen suicide in Silicon Valley. The suicides took place at a very competitive high school in Palo Alto. Since these suicides have taken place the school and the community have done much soul searching and have put much effort and resources into suicide prevention. One thing hasn’t changed, however, and that is how “success” and “failure” are viewed.
The message from parents and the school is that “success” is the goal and neither “failure” nor “quitting” are options.
I got to thinking about my own parenting and recall an incident with my daughter, Caitlin. In 8th grade she made the basketball team and had fun. By 9th grade things got competitive and she abruptly quit. Thank God my intuition led me to congratulate her on being a “Quitter.” I did this intentionally. I had quit music as a child and my parents didn’t object.
I don’t think our love and encouragement should be conditional, so I don’t think kids should be praised for all “A’s” anymore than I think they should be scolded for all “F’s.”
People are often afraid of their own inclinations. Sometimes I’ll ask a college student, in therapy, why they don’t quit a course they hate, or college altogether if it’s not for them. “My parents want me to go” they will say, or some respond by saying “I might get “lazy” and not want to do anything.” I often respond that they might “do nothing” for awhile until they get bored.
By the way, my daughter Caitlin–whom I encouraged to be a “Quitter”–is now in Graduate School, but that is her agenda, not mine.
