Both the news report and documentary focus on so called “Screen Teens” and assert that overuse of hand held devices is the problem. It is NOT the problem. The “problem” since time immemorial, regardless of the technology, is the issue of a power struggle between parents and kids.

What caught my eye was when the doctor-film maker turned the camera on herself and her daughter. The mother is concerned that the daughter spends too much time on her hand held device. The mother asks daughter: “What should the rules be?” The daughter, thinking that the mother has asked a true question, responds: “I think the rule should be there is no rule.”

With that response the mother clearly shows her irritation and tension breaks out between mother and daughter as it does every day in their home.

One reason for that is that the mother’s “question” is not a true question. It is a demand couched as a question.

The doctor says, “I was really having a hard time as a mom.” I’ll bet she was! She added “I felt out of control.” I would agree with her there, but I think she meant “I felt out of control” because she couldn’t get compliance from her daughter.

When questions are not true questions but demands couched as questions, tensions rise between parents and kids, screaming starts, and if I were a kid I would want to escape the daily tension by using my hand held device!

So many of our problems as parents comes from misdiagnosis of the problem. Is the problem really the child’s behavior or parental anxiety about the child’s behavior? If we misdiagnose the problem we will respond in exactly the wrong way and make things worse instead of better.

The message from parents and the school is that “success” is the goal and neither “failure” nor “quitting” are options.

I got to thinking about my own parenting and recall an incident with my daughter, Caitlin. In 8th grade she made the basketball team and had fun. By 9th grade things got competitive and she abruptly quit. Thank God my intuition led me to congratulate her on being a “Quitter.” I did this intentionally. I had quit music as a child and my parents didn’t object.

I don’t think our love and encouragement should be conditional, so I don’t think kids should be praised for all “A’s” anymore than I think they should be scolded for all “F’s.”

People are often afraid of their own inclinations. Sometimes I’ll ask a college student, in therapy, why they don’t quit a course they hate, or college altogether if it’s not for them. “My parents want me to go” they will say, or some respond by saying “I might get “lazy” and not want to do anything.” I often respond that they might “do nothing” for awhile until they get bored.

By the way, my daughter Caitlin–whom I encouraged to be a “Quitter”–is now in Graduate School, but that is her agenda, not mine.

In these debates there is a certain type of parent that has caught my interest. Although they are often educated and articulate, on the subject of vaccinations they can be illogical and unmoved by facts and scientific evidence. Why is this?

As a psychotherapist I have experienced that clear and coherent thinking can be impaired by mental health conditions. Someone with a full-blown Paranoid Personality Disorder has a pervasive sense of distrust and suspicion and is easily recognizable. Not so recognizable are people who do not have the full-blown disorder but do have paranoid personality traits.

People with paranoid personality traits process incoming information on some subjects through a paranoid lens. In other areas of thought they can be quite normal, but on certain subjects, they can be rigid and unfazed by facts. The paranoid lens distorts the most powerful contrary evidence into confirmation of the theory.

Personality structure is complex. Fortunately, life circumstances and troubles have a way of letting people know that maybe their thinking and assumptions need to be re-examined. People can and do change, either with or without professional help.

People with a paranoid tendency are probably a minority, but on this issue they have exerted an influence that may cost lives.

The larger point of the article is that parental anxiety about “safety” often contributes to unintended consequences producing kids who are more risk averse and less creative.

Why this excessive parental anxiety?

I submit we are afraid of too much freedom for our kids and maybe ourselves. When we see kids being “wild” it is like we see our own repressed desires being acted out and we can’t allow ourselves to acknowledge these desires. It seems this excessive anxiety is present among the affluent and middle class. Think of the organized “play dates” and other supervised activities that crowd out unstructured free time for kids.

Childhood has become something of a rat race wherein parents arrange and supervise almost everything. Schools more and more resemble the workplace with emphasis on “getting ahead.” That’s why parents spend hours helping with homework or sometimes do it themselves. In schools play is cut down to the point where there is an assault on recess. Proposals for year round school would eliminate the summer vacation.

The failure to supervise has become synonymous with a failure to parent.
There is evidence, however, that these modern trends are being challenged. Unstructured, unsupervised play lets kids learn about social interaction and proper risk assessment.

The question is: can we parents curb our anxieties so we can let kids be kids?